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ThePerfectPhan
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Name: Xuyen
Country: United States
State: Texas
Birthday: 3/31/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: my studies, movies, music, sports, taking pictures, television
Expertise: getting by with four hours of sleep a night, multitasking, tying ties, updating xanga on a regular basis, and kicking my computer when it goes crazy on me
Occupation: Student
Industry: Medical
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  theperfectphan
Member Since:
10/20/2003
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| i spent two hours on the phone with miss christine tonight, chit-chatting about a little bit of everything. our conversation made me all the more curious as to how the hell i'm going to find what i'm missing. maybe i should rewind. as of lately, i've been doing a whole lot of soul searching. something really personal happened a year and a half ago and since then, i've been trying to not CHANGE who i am but just make those neccessary adjustments to BE the best person that i can possibly be. after everything was done and accounted for, i felt as though a piece of me was missing. i noticed that i could never go to the sleep at night peacefully. there was always some emotional distress that i analyzed for at least an hour or two before being able to sleep due to pure exhaustion. i realized that the last time i was able to sleep comfortably and wake up not feeling like absolute shit, i was much younger, that point of innocense and purity and immaturity. now, i sit here at 439 in the morning, NOT being able to sleep because i am once again at a level of high emotional trauma. for a while i've felt like an incomplete person. i feel as though there is something in me that is missing, whether it be trust or faith or love or passion or drive or whatever it may be. all i know is that something profound is missing because i've yet to be able to sleep soundly and not wake up dredding the moments of having to open my bottles of medicine only to take bitter swallows of chunky tablets. maybe it's because i'm sick that i feel so miserable at times or maybe because i've fallen down in this path of life as we all do from time to time. each break that i get, a summer break, a winter break, a spring break, i re-evaluate myself since the previous break, thinking of the people i've met, what i've done, what i've accomplished, what i'm lacking, and of course i ask myself the all important question "am i happy?" i don't know how to answer that. happy that i have friends who care? check. happy that i have the most amazing mother and brother? check. happy that i work hard towards my schoolwork? maybe, most of the time. happy with who i see when i look in the mirror? no. so then, what is happiness? does it come from what others give to you? does it come from within? is it a combination of both? what does it mean to be TRULY happy? is it getting into the top medical schools? is it finding that one true love? is it landing that broker job that you've been interning for six months? is it knowing no matter what tomorrow brings, you'll be okay? so why have i fallen so far down, into this hole that is my so-called life that i really can't call my own (not yet at least, not until i find the missing piece)? why do we fall? not many of us really ever get back up, do we? we spend our own lives working to get back up on our own two feet. how many of us really ever get there? that's the beauty of life though isn't it? the chase of a dream, the pursuit of happyness? all i know is, I'm looking forward to those days of innocence, purity, and immaturity and nights of good sleep.
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| so far this break, i've managed to get more sleep than i did during the entire Fall 06 semester. weeeeeeeeeee! at least i'll be well rested for this coming semester. i've also managed to get really sick. i don't know what it is, but i refuse to go to the doctor or take medication for it. i figure that it'll have to get worse if i'm stepping out of this house for attention. it's funny that i want to be a doctor, yet the worst part of my day is having to take my medication (in their many forms)
the other night i laid down for about 4 hours, and i lost all sense of control of my tears i think as they just streamed down my face for reasons not very apparent to me. my parents come by the house and ask if i'm okay, they've even asked if i'm depressed. i don't think it's a matter of depression, i think it's only a formality of my usual holiday blues. every year, about this time, i think about my life and i only stop to realize that there's something missing. i realize that i am not happy...not even a little bit...not even at all. i don't know why. it's funny that regardless of how many people you surround yourself with, it'll never make up for what's lacking inside.
you ever wonder if you're adopted because there's NO POSSIBLE way you're linked to the people you sit down to eat with? i wonder that every day of my life pretty much.....regardless of where i may be. not that i don't love them, not that i'm not appreciative of what they've given to me. in fact, it's because of those reasons that i WISH that i felt i was related to them, but something's missing .....yet again. i wish i was my mother's own. it's funny how despite how much everyone tells you that you are like your mom or brother, it's not enough that you don't always see it yourself.
this may seem like a terrible entry to post, but honestly, i think this helps. give me a dose of goodness to honest truth any day. no, i'm not this depressed child in need of a strait jacket or heavy doses of medication, i'm merely just a girl, trying to figure out this life stuff out. as always, maybe 2007 will bring more answers.
happy new year.......
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| recap of this semester: (some of my favorite memories)
gone to texas
Keith's surprise birthday party..banjo cake and all
Party on the Plaza
Game night in A.....never figured out who took this picture on my camera
Camping with Joshua
the most amazing view .....
i leave my camera downstairs and people have fun with it..... *sighs*
some capture the flag fun.......(pre-busting my knee and screwing it up forever)
..taking really dirty pictures with the pony, we call this the eiffel tower (many more if you're interested, pervert)
Tower Tour with the figlets and Dan =]
.....seriously, they had a lot of fun with my camera (about 50 pictures worth)
a month after getting my car, someone hits it (the before)
thank goodness for plastic....(the after)
made thanksgiving dinner for ~35 people
LOL.....half-nakedness in A will continue as long as I'm there
the A shenanigans will continue as long as I'm there as well
...............a lot of promise for next season, horns
LL-Aaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
my strong men volunteering at AIDS walk
David carrying "the book of MORE MEN"
Collin as my pilot
Chris bronzed as the heisman......and a creepy ass clown in the background
me and my best at work.....joking around
this is me killing her
brother's engagement party
hmmmmm 'nough said
THERE ARE MORE PICTURES, but lame me, i left my connectors in austin
happy holidays! i finally did some shopping today EARLY before the rush and it left a huge hole in my pockets but that's okay. I wish this season wasn't so commercialized. I mean i know that there are still people who think of this holiday as a time to be with the ones they love, but it just seems in general, most people have lost the Christmas spirit. It just seems that people look forward to Christmas to get that one expensive gift they've been wanting all year, and it kind of spoils the mood for me. To lower my Christmas morale even more, I walked out of Victoria's Secret with a gift bag (gift for the future sister in law) and a group of girls (leatherman jackets so i assume high school still) and they checked out my bag to see where I shopped and gave a look of approval i guess. I quickly went to my car, dropped off the bag, and went back and purchased a pair of pj pants at old navy and ran into ANOTHER group of girls and they too checked out my bags and gave an almost condescending look. are we THAT materialistic of a country? I should just carry around a walmart bag and place all of my purchases in it.........
plans for the break:
hanging with the family [check]
VCSA potluck
prep for the hardest semester of my life
one day visit to canada
random fun with Crystal
register, pay for MCAT class and test
catch up on sleep [check]
recover from the past rough semster
update list of goals
do lots of laundry
catch up with the select high school friends
maybe have some fun [check]
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| Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
seems like i've been MIA for the last several months..rofl. getting caught up in all that school mess of mine. so the semester's wrapping up quickly, and I mean quickly. soon i will be more than halfway done with my college experience....and sometimes i wish i could hit pause and enfjoy my times because i can honestly see how people say that college is the best time of your life.
this past saturday, i made thanksgiving dinner for 25 of the LLA-ers. it was ...pretty amazing to have everyone there together, and the food was goood. yay for buying the turkey already made as opposed to the hours and hours of agony in front of the oven.....
now, i am home for thanksgiving. last night, i managed to catch "casino royale" with Miguel. it's SUCH a good film. one of the best bond films ever. i don't understand how everyone can diss Mr. Craig as the next bond through the justification that he's blond.... what a load of crap. i look forward to the many bond films to come....
today is thanksgiving and my plans are to eat some lunch with the family, maybe go out to eat with some old VCSA friends later at night.....
Happy T-Give everyone!
I only PRAY that Texas ( without colt =[ ) beats A&M tomorrow or else i will never hear the end of it.......
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this has got to be the funniest picture of me of all time...and NO i'm not naked fortunately....THANK YOU CATVU FOR TAKING THIS hahaha